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Self-knowledge

3 September, 2007 by Vicki Leave a Comment

Zap!!!

Do you ever find, every now and then, that you see/hear/read/do something that just gels with you? You get a “Gotcha!” moment, where everything just clicks?

What with my marriage break-up last year, and everything that went before, and everything that’s happened since, I’ve certainly done my share of soul-searching and if there is a single positive thing that’s come of such a yucky situation it’s been that I understand myself — and others — more than I did.

Actually I’m quite an introspective person and for many years now have made a conscious effort not to kid myself. I am allergic to hypocrites and any sign of hypocrisy in myself makes me just as desperate to escape as hypocrisy in others. But it’s harder to escape from yourself…!

So I’ve also learned that you have to face up to unpleasant truths — and deal with them as best I can. And I’ve learned I deal with some better than others. (Let’s face it, some things life throws at you are just frickin’ tough.) But the point is — I’ve learned. And, like everything, the more I’ve learned about myself, the more I realise I don’t know.

It’s weird how you can think you’re pretty together, and know what you want and what you don’t want (and the older you get, the more this becomes the case) and you feel assertive and self-empowered and whatever other catch-phrase happens to be fashionable at the time — on the surface. Then life throws something your way that you haven’t had to deal with — yet — and you question yourself anew.

I recently had this scenario play itself out with a relationship that was great on the surface but, before long, it was clear that we both wanted totally different things from our relationship. I had to ask myself if I was being unreasonable in what I wanted (and had thought I needed) from a relationship, or was I simply expecting too much? Should I accept the good of what I had, and “put up” with the rest?

It’s amazing how we can “know” something about ourselves and our needs and then… emotional entanglement throws all that out the window.

I’ve just revisited the writings of Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet and in particular the section on self-knowledge.

He writes:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart’s knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.”

Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.”

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Isn’t that just beautiful? The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals… that’s what I feel life is about, sometimes… self-knowledge and the soul unfolding itself. At the moment I’m just grasping at the knowledge, but I know it’s there… because “I have met the soul walking upon my path”.

I find that really comforting. I don’t need to know and understand everything about myself, and how I relate to anything — or everything. There will always be something more to learn. It’s a matter of being open, and aware, and it will all unfold. Every glimmer and glimpse of understanding is a thing to cherish, protect — and nurture.

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: Kahlil Gibran

Cochlear Implant Assessment

2 September, 2007 by Vicki

I think it most apt to start a new personal blog with the momentous news that, after submitting to nearly two hours of a cochlear implant assessment a few days ago, I am (from an audiological perspective, anyway) suitable for a cochlear implant.

I was pretty nervous before the appointment, because although I’d tried not to get my hopes up too much, my audiologist had told me a cochlear implant was the only thing that was going to get my speech frequencies back. If they told me I was not suitable, there were no other options and I’d actually have to accept that I was going to be a social outcast forever. (Yeah I know that sounds dramatic but that’s what it feels like. It’s not that other people are casting me out, it’s that my hearing prevents me from being drawn in because I can’t hold a conversation in most situations.)

The cochlear implant assessment

My parents kindly wanted to offer their support and they drove me to Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital (SCGH) where the assessment was to take place at the Ear Science Institute Australia and Lyons Hearing Clinic and where the surgeon also has his rooms. We were told the assessment would take about an hour and a half so Mum and Dad disappeared to do… whatever… while they waited.

An audiologist conducted the assessment and she was just gorgeous and really put me at ease. Isn’t it fantastic to meet someone whose job is to help people and who clearly loves their job and takes it really seriously? (Don’t ask me about the man I had the misfortune to deal with at Centrelink last week! Now that was a demeaning experience.)

The audiologist asked some preliminary questions related to my hearing history. I hadn’t received my information pack in the mail, which apparently included some forms for me to fill out and send back, so she was really starting from scratch. Then we did a series of hearing tests, with and without hearing aids, including the standard “beep” type of test and also some speech recognition tests.

Basically, she learned what I already knew: I am deaf, and I am good at guessing what people are saying!

And the short story is that she thinks a cochlear implant would really help me.

She explained that I will never have normal hearing, but after the implants I should be able to cope quite well. When she said that the implants are designed to improve hearing in the speech frequencies, which means that music will never sound good to me, I confess to experiencing a certain degree of disappointment. I have always loved music and it has frustrated me that most music just sounds like noise to me and I can’t make out a tune, let alone hear the words — and it saddens me that I can no longer hear myself play the violin. But definitely, communication is the main thing, and if I can hear enough to know that my violin is in tune, even that will be a huge improvement. :-)

The audiologist showed me the two brands of cochlear implants that are used in Australia. Primarily due to strict standards in this country, only two are allowed. There is the Australian brand, Cochlear, and the Swiss brand, Med-El. For both brands, the speech processor (the bit that fits behind the ear like a hearing aid without a mould) is huge compared to a standard hearing aid. The Med-El speech processer was significantly more slimline, however my understanding is that each brand has its own programming advantages, and anyway Cochlear may have a new design by the time I get my implants, so it’s a very individual thing to be decided closer to the time.

It was really good to be able to see exactly what the implant looks like and to have everything explained to me. I came away from the assessment feeling both relieved and reassured. The knowledge that I was suitable, together with increased knowledge about the implant itself, was a big weight off my mind.

It’s All Good™

I still have to see the specialist, who is apparently the cochlear implant “person” in Western Australia — Dr Marcus Atlas — and make sure there are no medical reasons why I shouldn’t have the implant, and gain his approval (obviously!) but the outlook is positive. Yay!

And the icing on the cake was that Mum and Dad then took me out to lunch at Walk Cafe in Subiaco. There, I consumed a huge plate of yummy food (a very different kind of bruschetta, with pumpkin and marinated capsicum and other interesting stuff — and a ginormous side serving of salad) and a glass of red wine. Who could ask for more?

Filed Under: Cochlear Implants Tagged With: cochlear implant

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