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Following your gut feelings

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Thumper.

Two weekends ago, I found myself thinking about my horses, who I hadn’t seen in a while. As I was thinking, my thoughts seemed to focus on Thumper and I had a “feeling” he was not ok and that he needed me. I was well aware that the last time I had such a feeling was when Rani was injured. That time, I acted on the feeling, and so was able to get the vet to Rani when he needed it.

This time? Well, I was with Al, and Al was busy, and anyway has made it clear he is uninterested in my horses. I decided not to follow through on my gut feeling, and told myself I was being silly and would miss out on valuable time with Al (who works offshore and therefore time with him is precious) for nothing. But I worried all Saturday night and all day Sunday about it, then made an effort to put it from my mind.

On Wednesday, I arrived at work to an email from my mother, saying she and Dad had received a call the night before from the place where my horses are agisted (boarded) and one of the horses apparently had a foot abscess.

It was my third day in a new job and it was not a Good Thing™ to have to ask for time off for a sick horse so soon. I should add that the horses are about an hour’s drive from work so any time out visiting them means a significant amount of time. But what can you do? My manager was understandably unimpressed, but he was very nice about it.

So off I dashed, via home to get some suitable clothes and the horses’ lead ropes etc. Andy was there when I arrived and I was unsurprised to learn that the horse with the sore foot was Thumper. The poor boy could not walk at all. It was really sad to see him attempt to take a step. He was clearly in a lot of pain and it was obvious that a visit from the vet was necessary.

The vet confirmed that it was an abscess, and that it was a huge one that had been building for several days. It was so bad that there was a lot of dead sole and the vet thought the sole might have to come off altogether.

This obviously would be terribly painful for Thump, and also terribly inconvenient for me because of the intensive dressing of the hoof that would be required, because the horses are a 45 minute drive in the opposite direction of my work, which is half an hour’s drive from my home. What a mess…

Fortunately, two further vet visits later, healing has gone really well and it seems the sole does not have to be removed after all, but it has been a worrying and expensive exercise in “Follow your gut feelings — or not”. The problem is that there was no voice shouting at me, no one shaking me by the shoulders and saying “GO! Your horse needs you!” It was simply a persistent feeling that something was wrong, with a focus on one horse in particular — a feeling that wasn’t too hard to talk myself out of believing in.

Gut feelings, instincts… I know I need to listen more to what is inside me instead of being influenced by the world around me. Sadly, I believe it’s only through pain that we really take things on board and learn. Next time I won’t be in such a hurry to ignore that “inner voice”.

Carpark Voyeurism

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Yesterday morning, Al and I went to the Melville Carpark Markets. I’d never been there before, and while I suppose it’s not that different to most carpark markets, we definitely got there earlier than I’ve ever been to markets on a Sunday (although later than Al would have liked… pfft!) and there was a pretty good selection of wares.

What really fascinates me about these markets is that it’s a kind of voyeurism. It’s almost like we’re peering into people’s homes. I don’t know about you, but I love it when people leave their curtains drawn at night and I can sneak a peek into their home, into their lives. Of course I try not to make my stickybeaking overt, but I find it so fascinating to see how other people live.

Carpark markets are kind of like this. You can see into people’s homes, except you don’t see the home itself. You can even catch glimpses of their history, to a degree, when their wares display a degree of age, gender and ethnicity.

But what I loved most was the old glassware and crockery. Some of it was very beautiful and the evident age only made it the more attractive. And it makes me wonder what meals were served on those plates, and what dinner-time conversations were held over those meals. Who sat together over a cup of tea, with those teacups and saucers? What confidences were shared? What joys and trials and tribulations were discussed over those cups, glasses, dishes, plates, all those years ago?

Al, however, seemed most interested in the plants and we came away with sage, mint and… something else. Argh I am such a bad girlfriend, not remembering the plants he bought! I’m sure I’ll remember as soon as I’ve posted this!

;-)

We were only there for an hour or so but it was a most enjoyable time and I have a feeling if I’d been on my own I would have indulged myself with more than one useless item. :-)

Self-knowledge

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Zap!!!

Do you ever find, every now and then, that you see/hear/read/do something that just gels with you? You get a “Gotcha!” moment, where everything just clicks?

What with my marriage break-up last year, and everything that went before, and everything that’s happened since, I’ve certainly done my share of soul-searching and if there is a single positive thing that’s come of such a yucky situation it’s been that I understand myself — and others — more than I did.

Actually I’m quite an introspective person and for many years now have made a conscious effort not to kid myself. I am allergic to hypocrites and any sign of hypocrisy in myself makes me just as desperate to escape as hypocrisy in others. But it’s harder to escape from yourself…!

So I’ve also learned that you have to face up to unpleasant truths — and deal with them as best I can. And I’ve learned I deal with some better than others. (Let’s face it, some things life throws at you are just frickin’ tough.) But the point is — I’ve learned. And, like everything, the more I’ve learned about myself, the more I realise I don’t know.

It’s weird how you can think you’re pretty together, and know what you want and what you don’t want (and the older you get, the more this becomes the case) and you feel assertive and self-empowered and whatever other catch-phrase happens to be fashionable at the time — on the surface. Then life throws something your way that you haven’t had to deal with — yet — and you question yourself anew.

I recently had this scenario play itself out with a relationship that was great on the surface but, before long, it was clear that we both wanted totally different things from our relationship. I had to ask myself if I was being unreasonable in what I wanted (and had thought I needed) from a relationship, or was I simply expecting too much? Should I accept the good of what I had, and “put up” with the rest?

It’s amazing how we can “know” something about ourselves and our needs and then… emotional entanglement throws all that out the window.

I’ve just revisited the writings of Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet and in particular the section on self-knowledge.

He writes:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart’s knowledge.

You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.”

Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.”

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Isn’t that just beautiful? The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals… that’s what I feel life is about, sometimes… self-knowledge and the soul unfolding itself. At the moment I’m just grasping at the knowledge, but I know it’s there… because “I have met the soul walking upon my path”.

I find that really comforting. I don’t need to know and understand everything about myself, and how I relate to anything — or everything. There will always be something more to learn. It’s a matter of being open, and aware, and it will all unfold. Every glimmer and glimpse of understanding is a thing to cherish, protect — and nurture.