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One year on: the difference

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Today is the 1st anniversary of the activation of my cochlear implants, which I received on June 26, 2008.

In many ways, I haven’t felt there was much to report in the last several months. I think this is because progress was so dramatic in the first 4 months or so after activation. Even though my hearing has subsequently improved, it has been relatively unnoticeable.

In terms of scientific measurements, tests at a visit to my audiologist 6 weeks ago show that my hearing has continued to improve even since the last tests. The difference was especially noticeable in tests for speech comprehension in noisy situations. (Which are still bad, but at least I heard some things, as opposed to nothing at all before.)

This is particularly good considering that over the last few months, some frequencies have had to be turned down in volume due to the presence of pain at certain levels. One wonders what improvement there may have been if this had not been the case…?

The real-life differences

Scientific measurements certainly have their place, and they have been encouraging markers when actual progress has been imperceptible to me. But the real differences have been lifestyle ones that, when I think back, have been quite radical.

The difference above all differences

The major, major, and did I say major? change in my life has been that I am no longer afraid to talk to people. Yep, I still dread it somewhat in places with lots of background noise, but even that is improved.

Before my cochlear implants, I would face even a trip to the supermarket with deep dread, because — what if the checkout operator spoke to me? I’d watch their faces like a hawk for the question “Cheque, savings or credit?” when I went to pay with my EFTPOS card, but anything further than that I couldn’t predict. In such situations I would either ask and ask for the speaker to repeat (up to 5 times before giving up) or smile and pretend I heard when it was probably pretty obvious to the other speaker that I hadn’t.

Humiliating, either way.

I avoided going out much at all and particularly avoided anywhere there might be background noise.

But when I’m out and about now — I know I may not hear first time, but I do know that I’m going to hear enough to communicate sooner rather than later in most circumstances.

That is just the most amazing thing.

Other important differences

Being able to converse with my kids has been a wonderful thing! Previously, if my youngest son spoke to me as we were driving along, before I could understand what he was saying and reply, I’d have to say, “Wait till I stop, then I can look at you.” Now, I can chat with him as we go. That is just incredible! I can also talk to my oldest son, which I couldn’t do before even face-to-face in a quiet situation, as he doesn’t tend to move his lips much when he speaks.

Professionally as well as socially, I feel I can hold up my end of the conversation and not come out of it appearing to be totally stupid. In the last year or so before I got the cochlear implants I felt my (lack of) hearing was really getting in the way of me being able to be the best I could be, professionally, and now I see those barriers falling with relief as well as satisfaction.

Talking on the telephone is now possible. I do still have difficulty when either the other person or myself are in a noisy place, or when the other person has an accent, or talks very fast. For this reason I avoid answering the phone in general, just in case it’s one of those awkward situations. But if I have to make a call, I can — especially if I know in advance that I’m calling a quiet home or office, as well as the topic of conversation. (Speech comprehension is made so much easier when the topic is known in advance, because you are expecting to hear certain words and phrases without even being conscious of it.)

And of course I do hear all those environmental noises, such as birds tweeting, cars, aeroplanes, emergency vehicles, computers humming, microwaves beeping, telephones ringing, and — a biggie for me — the “Snap, Crackle and Pop” of rice bubbles in the morning when I have cereal!

To sum it up

If I could summarise what cochlear implants have done for me, I would have to say they have ended my isolation. I’ve regained a lot of confidence when dealing with other people. I used to love being around people, used to even be known for my quick wit, believe it or not! (Try being witty when you don’t hear what’s being said!!!) I totally lost that social side of me when I couldn’t hold a conversation and that is now changing.

Clink!

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It’s time to celebrate!

On Tuesday, 30th September, 2008, I start a new job.

This is really exciting for me as it’s a significant career move, in terms of both career advancement and finances, so naturally I’m pretty happy about it.

I had thought I would be with my employer of the last 12 months somewhat longer — but circumstances conspired to give me reason to hasten my departure, and I landed the new job within days. The way it all fell together was so neat, it had to be right — though I did joke at one point that I thought it would never happen because if it did, it would be too neat!

The new job is an IT Manager role at a private RTO (Registered Training Organisation) which is growing rapidly, and it will be exciting and challenging to set up and manage their IT, web and eLearning strategies, systems and processes.

The company is based in Bunbury so I expect to spend a fair bit of time down there, at least at first. But my own job will be based in East Perth, just one very short block from the river and The Cove — I love that area and will be in heaven after the dull, miles-from-anywhere-nice location of my previous job.

The one downside is that leaving my old job when I did meant I could no longer attend the Web Directions South conference, and the tweets from attendees so far this week have been a tinsy bit painful for me. Ah well.

A brief cochlear implant update

There isn’t a lot to report regarding my cochlear implants. Vists to the audiologist have reduced in frequency though I did have a check-up with the surgeon who — lovely man that he is — was really happy for me that everything was going well. He arranged for me to go back one year post-op and said, “I may not see much of you but believe me, we talk about you a lot in our meetings!”

Life goes on!

Grounded

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This has been a splendiferous weekend altogether. Such an amazing feeling to have three days off in a row. (Monday, 2nd June is Western Australia’s Foundation Day public holiday, celebrating the settlement of the State on June 1, 1829.) After a stressful working week, it takes a couple of days, at least, to wind down. There is always so much to do that there is no time for during the week. Sunday never feels like a holiday to me, but today, Monday, really does.

Saturday was a blur of shopping and cleaning. I had a lovely dinner with a friend, then a breakfast at Kings Park on Sunday morning. I went to Midland to pick Connor up from a stay with his grandparents, and bought him Hungry Jacks (Burger King for those outside of Australia) for lunch, which he ate while I drove out to the property where my horses area agisted (boarded).

The two of us trudged across the wet grass in the paddock (50-100 acres at a guess — I’m hopeless at guessing — but it’s quite a good size) to the horses, who had naturally installed themselves at the farthest side. They live in a herd of about nine horses. It’s horsey heaven, but I always feel a pang of guilt for neglecting them. Silly, really, because they are probably happier without humans “interfering” with their natural lifestyle!

Thumper came up to me first (darn it, I forgot to bring carrots!) and, after pinning his ears back at a grey gelding who dared to try join in the fun, submitted to a rub. He’s long been the dominant horse in his own sub-herd (himself, Jade, Rani) and also, evidently, over all. Jade stood a little way off and I soon left Thumpy to give her a rub too. Then I moved over to Rani, who stood a little distance away.

Rani is blind, or at the very least he has a significant sight impairment, due to cataracts. He was the first horse I ever had a real relationship with, and he taught me almost all I know about horses. It is hard to imagine another horse being as special to me as Rani.

As I approached, Rani gave a little shy. He must have seen the movement, but not understood it. When I spoke to him, he stopped and so I came up to him and gave him a big scratch. He’s always loved his scratchies! When he first came to live with me, back in 1999, I used to be so worried that he kept rubbing himself on me, using me as a scratching pole. Wasn’t that a sign of disrespect? I asked a horsey email list I belonged to about it, and one woman wrote to me, “Has it occurred to you that he just wants a scratch? Why not scratch him!” So ever since then I have offered it and am invariably rewarded with soft eyes and lips and an expression of utter bliss… ;-)

Horses are wonderful creatures.

I cannot describe how I feel when I am with my horses. It’s like everything of any importance in my life is here, right now, with them. Obviously that’s not strictly true, but that sense is undeniably there. Horses have no agendas (though they can be cunning and sneaky at times!) insofar as they are what they are, and see you as you are. All the posturing and pretense that you might display to the world, trying to get others to see you as you want to be seen, means nothing to them. They couldn’t give a hoot about image. They see you as you are, not as you want to be. They see you.

Therefore, if something is not quite right, they know it. You can walk up to them smiling and talking cheerfully while your heart is breaking inside. Most people would never know the difference but horses will get agitated, knowing there is incongruency there. I first read about this in The Tao of Equus by Linda Kohanov and have seen it for myself time and again. Horses are highly tuned in to what’s real, and know when something is not right. Most really don’t mind if you walk into their paddock upset. What will drive them away is walking into their paddock upset, and pretending you’re not.

(Think about it. Don’t you feel agitated sometimes when you sense something not quite right with another person? Could it not be that you have detected an incongruency between the image they project and where they really are at a given moment?)

My horses are a mirror of me. My relationship with them is a mirror of where I am in life. They are so totally grounding for that reason. I always come away aching in my heart, and longing to be with them full time.

I’m working on it, but in the meantime visiting them is a bittersweet thing.